I haven’t been getting much sleep lately. When I do, it’s not as restful as I want it to be as I wake up still tired.

I remember what Lala said before when she was thinking about “things”. Hindi daw siya napagkakatulog. Now, I understand what she means.

So, bakit nga ba?!

Well, yes, I do have a lot on my mind lately. I have my plans to think about. But I do not want to dwell on it here as I’m not ready to discuss it with a lot of people. Plus things are not yet final. When everything’s ironed out, I will let you know.

There’s this other thing, though that has been bothering me for almost a month now. I wrote about it in my Multiply blog but did not provide details.

I want to talk about it now.

Babs (not his real name but for those who know me, I’m sure kilala nyo siya) is getting married. He was my college sweetheart and we were together for 5 years. We broke up 6 years ago and I have seen him only once in those 6 years. But we’ve kept in touch through email. So why does that bother me? That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out.

We’ve managed to remain friends after the break up. A big reason for that was because we didn’t hate each other when we broke up. In fact, as I would always say, we broke up not because we didn’t love each other but because long distance relationship was hard. I did not stop caring for this person. Even though, we went on our separate ways, I was still there for him. I wanted to be there for him. He was still very special to me.

Maybe I wasn’t aware that I was somehow still hoping for a 2nd chance. Yes, I did go on with my life but maybe the thought of us getting back together was just sitting there somewhere in my mind.

Babs was my standard. I wanted and looked for what we had before. We truly loved each other. We were not just lovers but we were friends. We got along well, although we did have some major fights (mostly my fault). He understood and got me perfectly. Nasakyan niya ang pagiging matampuhin and brat ko. He knew how to set me straight without being offensive and demanding. And siya yung taong masasabi ko na mas mabait sa akin. Promise, mas mabait talaga siya sa akin! He really is a good person. He was the one who encouraged me to become active in the parish. Plus he also loved kids. How I wish I could share with him my joys in serving in Sagip.

When he wrote me a long email last year, I felt sad about us. I know that there was still love but it was a different kind already. It’s the kind wherein you love each other but can’t be together so you just move on. I consoled myself with the thought that at least we both thought that if we tried harder to be together before, there was a big possibility that we could have ended up married and with kids already.

Maybe this is the reason why the 2 relationships I had after ours failed. Thinking about it now, I wouldn’t care if the others (parang ang dami, 3 lang) were getting married, too.

I don’t know if this is because I just don’t like anyone in particular right now but if I had the choice and the chance, it would still be him.

When I met up with our college friend last week, she told me about her story and how she fought for her love. She wanted me to think about what I wanted to do since I didn’t know how I felt about the news. She thought I might find some inspiration in her story. You see, she went to the States to finally settle things with this guy. There she found out he was getting married to another girl in 3 months. But she stood her ground and made the guy decide. Well, the guy said he wouldn’t push through with the wedding anymore but then he and my friend are still not together. So we still have to wait and see what happens.

So am I going to do the same? I don’t think I have that much courage. Plus I know Babs. When he has decided, he stands by his decision. I don’t want to ruin anything for him. Eventhough I am affected by this, I still want what’s best for him and whatever will make him happy.

It’s really time to say goodbye.

 

 

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